Taking breaks was and often is difficult for me. If you’ve done creative work before, you know that stepping away from it can be vital for inspiration to take root. Leaning heavily to a task-oriented Type-A, taking a break feels like admitting defeat. I went for a walk to clear my head.
There it was. That familiar sigh that a part of me felt a little ashamed of each time it would escape my airways. That sigh of hoping to have a house someday, of hoping this entrepreneurial thing wasn’t a joke or a waste of time, all the while knowing we’d probably still do it all over again because we still felt there was something of value, of God, in this awkward thing we were doing.
But that sigh.
One part of me didn’t care we didn’t have a big house (or any house, that is) because we both knew that through the perpetually chaotic kitchen—the one that would turn into a disaster with anything more complicated than toast—that what we were doing had purpose. That sigh would creep up each year as I’d see seed packets replace winter snow shovels and then again come fall with the pumpkins and fall bulbs. In so many ways, my heart longed for a garden filled with beautiful flowers.
My feet felt like lead as I walked the long sidewalk. I was searching for answers, but they were the kind that don’t typically come on short walk. I wanted to just sit down on the sidewalk and bawl. There were no answers. I felt like a fool. And my heart cried out to God that as much as I knew the hope mentioned in Romans 5:5 was ultimately about a different kind of hope, I felt (referring to the NASB translation of the verse) that “yes; hope does disappoint.” I felt wounded. The logical side of myself knew that it wasn’t God who wounded me; but even so, I felt wounded by the circumstances I couldn’t seem to fight. We had felt God was leading us down this figurative path we were walking in being entrepreneurs, yet for all our human efforts in trying to build these businesses, we were met with ends that resisted meeting and circumstances that were contrary to those ideas becoming reality.
For as much as I know God wants us to remember where our ultimate home will be, I felt homesick for an earthly place that we could stretch out a bit more in. As I turned home, my heart said, “Lord, You tell me that hope doesn’t disappoint, and I know You don’t lie. I know in the long run that it doesn’t. I know this is just the hurt in my heart talking, Father, but I thought (maybe stupidly) building businesses was what You were calling us to do. And so far, all I see is brokenness and disappointment.”
This is part 13 of 31 in a personal story participating in the Write 31 Days Challenge. To start at the beginning or to see all the posts in order, click here. If you want to follow along, follow on social media or subscribe as a reader to Eclectic Affinity.
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